'I've not seen my kids in months': No winners in bitter divorces amid false police reports, alienation, stigma
Source: TODAY
Article Date: 16 Jul 2024
Author: Loraine Lee
In the lead-up to the amendment in the Women's Charter, lawyers said that acrimonious divorces have not been increasing in numbers, but the level of bitterness has deepened.
- More than 10 people told TODAY about the toll their acrimonious divorces had on them, being subject to false police reports and "swatting", among other things
- Those with children said they also experienced parental alienation and child abduction, with some being unable to see their children for months amid the ugly legal battle
- Lawyers said that the level of acrimony in divorces is getting worse, even though the number of such divorces with accusatory partners is not rising
- A legislative change that took effect on July 1 allows divorce by mutual agreement to try to reduce acrimony, but more can be done, they added
Months after a lengthy, ugly legal battle to gain care and control of his daughter, a father still carries around a briefcase with a voice recorder, clip-on camera and a stack of legal documents.
This is how Leonard (not his real name) said he protects himself and his daughter against what he fears may be false reports to the police against him and his daughter by his ex-wife.
The 46-year-old said: "There's always a fear that she (ex-wife) will call the police again to remove my daughter from our home." He declined to be named to protect his daughter.
Following their 2016 divorce, Leonard and his ex-wife started co-parenting. However, in 2021, she made several police reports — resulting in her gaining interim care and control over their daughter as investigations ensued against him.
In one instance, the police were called on him while he was having a meal with his daughter. In another, they entered his home to take the girl to the hospital after her mother claimed that the girl was suicidal.
Investigations were later dropped due to lack of evidence, but Leonard could not meet his daughter without supervision until he gained care and control of the youngster in November 2023.
In family law, children live with the parent who has "care and control" and makes day-to-day decisions about the child.
"Custody" typically refers to making major decisions on matters such as education, religion and healthcare. A spouse with sole custody can make these decisions, while parents with joint custody must agree on them.
Fighting for his daughter back and disproving the false claims to police was an arduous process, Leonard said as he teared up during the interview with TODAY.
As a result of the "swatting" — when false police reports are made to elicit a response from the authorities — his 12-year-old gets anxious when she sees a police officer.
In an attempt to reduce the level of acrimony in divorces, a legislative change that took effect on July 1 means that married couples can use mutual agreement as grounds for divorce.
Previously, they needed a reason such as adultery, desertion and unreasonable behaviour.
In the lead-up to the amendment in the Women's Charter, lawyers said that acrimonious divorces have not been increasing in numbers, but the level of bitterness has deepened.
Couples bare their fangs through several tactics, such as swatting, parental alienation and child abductions. Some apply for personal protection orders against their ex-spouses to stop their former spouses from gaining access to their children.
Support groups, counsellors and lawyers all agreed that there are no winners in acrimonious divorces.
Yet, as emotions run high, some couples turn the proceedings into a zero-sum game.
This was all too real for Ms Narita, in her mid-30s, an operations administrative freelancer who divorced her first husband in 2012.
"When we first divorced, I had custody (of our son) and I was the one doing the parental alienation as I resented him," Ms Narita admitted. Her son is now aged 16.
Then, after learning that her actions affected her son's mental health and development during a programme for parents experiencing co-parenting conflicts post-divorce, Ms Narita started facilitating her ex-husband's access to their son.
However, her ex-husband in turn alienated her son from her after he gained care and control in 2019.
She could not see her child for over four months back then, and had to call the police every alternate weekend before her ex-husband would grant her access rights. The ex-husband also allegedly told her son that his mother "did not love him", among other things.
Her son ran away from his father in 2021 to her home, where he continues living. This is against a court order by the Syariah Court.
As a result of the alienation, Ms Narita said that her son's mental health took a blow. He took a year off school to seek help.
RESENTMENT-FUELLED ACTION
Over the past two months, TODAY has spoken to more than 10 people about the acrimony in their divorces. Most declined to reveal their names to protect their children or in fear of judgement.
They spoke of having to deal with the pettiness of ex-spouses fighting for the smallest assets in courts, to the mental toll of investigations against them arising from police reports made by their ex-spouse.
When children are involved, things get messier.
Arjun (not his real name), 41, has rarely seen his children after November 2022, since his wife allegedly abducted their children and fled to India, where she is a citizen of. She is also a permanent resident in Singapore and the United States. His children are US citizens and Singapore PRs.
He last saw his children in December 2023.
While a court in Singapore ruled in February that his wife should return to Singapore with the two children, she did not do so.
However, Arjun can do little because India is not a signatory to the Hague Convention. The international treaty protects children who have been removed from their country of habitual residence without the permission of the parent with custody rights.
As for 36-year-old Andrea, her parents were subjected to her ex-husband's harassment during their acrimonious split. He had done so to try to "talk things out" with her.
"My parents went through mental torture having to worry about what was he going to do next (and) when he would suddenly turn up at their place. The conversation can go on for over one to two hours," Andrea recalled.
The divorce proceedings went on for a year in 2020. As a result of the emotional turmoil, Andrea said she felt suicidal during this time.
MENTAL HEALTH, SOCIAL IMPACT
Indeed, all of those interviewed by TODAY said that they have poorer mental health but most of them are afraid to seek a professional diagnosis.
"I was worried anything could be used against me in my court case," Leonard said. He continues to see a counsellor with his daughter.
Acrimonious divorces also push away some family and friends who fear being "stuck in the mix". The shrinking social circle can make divorce a lonely journey, one father said.
"You just want to get through this but it can be a tough battle. Some people feel like they need to take sides, others don't want to get stuck in a crossfire," he added.
Arjun said that the legal proceedings take a financial toll as well. He is fighting two court battles in Singapore and India because he and his ex-wife had filed for divorce in different jurisdictions.
Ms Loh Lai Sum, a senior social worker at Yishun Family Service@Children’s Society, said: "When children are exposed to such adverse interactions and environment for a long period of time, without much support, it could potentially lead to physical, emotional and mental health issues."
This includes self-harm and displaying aggressive and anti-social behaviours.
They may also mimic how their parents show anger at each other, such as thinking that it is all right to be verbally abusive.
NO WINNERS
Mr Clement Yong, a lawyer at Beyond Legal LLC, said that the acrimony can become more intense when children and cross-border arrangements are involved.
Mr Yong, who is also a former district judge, added: "This is made worse where the children are young, as technology (such as video calls) cannot adequately compensate for the lack of physical bonding between the left-behind parent and the children."
Family lawyer Rajan Chettiar from Rajan Chettiar LLC said that emotions can run high during a divorce, increasing the acrimony.
"Although mediation is mandatory for divorce cases involving children, some spouses are unable to mediate because they need their day in court to vent out and obtain a judgement."
Ms Sugidha Nithiananthan, director of advocacy, research and communications at the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), said that about a third of the calls to the organisation's helpline dedicated to supporting women are from women either contemplating or facing problems during and after divorce.
She added that some callers talked about instances where their spouses wanted to be seen as the "innocent" party and would blame the other party, making it difficult to find common ground through the divorce.
Aware offers free legal advice and counselling services for women undergoing divorce. Yishun Family Service@Children’s Society is also one of many family service centres around Singapore helping families in crisis and distress.
The courts are also moving towards a therapeutic justice approach to focus on problem-solving, rather than having a "winner takes all mentality" in divorces, Mr Yong said.
So what more can be done to reduce the acrimony?
Mr Mohammed Shakirin, managing director of Adel Law LLC, said: "As divorce lawyers, we have to be more empathetic and less aggressive in our stance in dealing with divorce clients."
This includes advising clients early on the practicality of applications that may increase acrimony.
"We also have to remind clients that there are no winners in a divorce — it is not a race but a difficult journey to navigate and conclude," he added.
On this note, Ms Theresa Pong from The Relationship Room, which provides counselling and coaching services, said that couples should consider seeing a marriage counsellor or couples therapist.
This allows couples to understand each other or the grief and loss from divorce.
The counselling director also said that beyond lawyers, friends and extended family members should "give couples space but still show support and presence by validating the emotions they are feeling".
"Unknowingly, family and friends sometimes escalate the conflict by taking sides or encouraging combative behaviour," Ms Pong added.
Ms Sugidha from Aware said that raising awareness on the impact of acrimonious divorce on children and spouses' mental well-being is key, along with de-stigmatising divorce.
"Reducing the stigma surrounding divorce can encourage couples to seek help earlier and normalise the process," she added.
"Public discourse that reframes divorce as a solution to an incompatible relationship rather than a failure can contribute to a more positive and collaborative environment."
For Leonard, his daughter's childhood is "all gone" due to the parental alienation and swatting she had to witness. The girl's school grades have been hit by years of mental stress, and he fears that the messy divorce would have an impact on "her future opportunities".
"It's extremely sad to see children being used as a pawn in divorce. Once either parent uses the child, the child will be destroyed," Leonard said, again in tears.
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